Fifth Job of Bob - Army - Forgotten in an outpost of paradise; American soldiers in Europe? - Jobs of Bob - book version

3 May 2012

Fifth Job of Bob - Army - Forgotten in an outpost of paradise; American soldiers in Europe? - Jobs of Bob - book version

This entry was posted on 5/3/2012 1:30 AM and is filed under Jobs of Bob - book version.

    Years after I got out of the Army, somehow the phrase "Outposts of Paradise" appeared in my vernacular. I don't remember now where I came up with it; perhaps, there was some inspiration by the famous line in the movie, A Few Good Men (1992), when the character under scrutiny in court blurted out, "You can't handle the truth."  That now infamous line was blurted out by Colonel Nathan Jessep (played by Jack Nicholson).  It was in regards to the rigors military service members must endure in the damnedest places and what they really do to survive.  In Jessep's case, being party to the death of one of his Marines.  The incident in question in the movie took place in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where the United States has maintained a Naval Base for over 100 years - much to the chagrin of a less than friendly Cuban government. 

    I have told the story often enough over the years.  Often to less-than-interested ears.  I had only been in my German duty station a few weeks.  We often worked in our white t-shirts.  Ol' Lieutenant "J" came up to us and said, "We got a quick task to do up by the border. You should be back by supper."  About a dozen of us loaded on a Duce-and-a-half cargo truck and headed up north - still in our t-shirts. 

    Five days later, we got back late for supper.  The small task took days, and eventually more men.  Each group that came in continued to bring  warm coats and pants.  Finally, on the third day, I ended up with some one else's stinky field jacket coat.  

    Germany is much like Wisconsin - perhaps why so many Germans settled there in the 1800s.  The summer days are warm; but, even summer nights can be frosty.  We all froze our asses off.  I never trusted Lieutenant "J," or the Army again.   

    There we were up by the then Czechoslovakian boarder, which was a hostile border with the communists at the time.  I was a long forgotten potential hot-war zone in the American pop culture psyche.

    Later that same summer, our benevolent, yet rather dufus Captain insisted we all see the World War II Dakau Concentration Camp Museum near Munich.  It was a solemn journey and visit.  We were walking around the grounds in our uniforms and berets.  

    An American lady from a tour group with a New York accent, dressed in up-scale cloths, with lots of jewelry said, "Who are you people?"  

    "American Army, Ma'am," some of us said, I suppose subconsciously expecting some nod of appreciation.

    "Americans?" she said with a quander in her voice and a befuddled look.  "I thought the American Army left here in 1945. You jokers are French or something and I don't think your joke is funny. If it weren't for the United States, France would be speaking German now."

    Welcome to..., "The Outposts of Paradise." 

Note: This blog "Jobs of Bob" - book version Category is a work in progress. The original vignettes are being edited for book form. Go to the Cooldadiomedia Web site and the Jobs of Bob Page for an ordered chronology of the book vignettes (chapters).

Fifth Job of Bob - Army - Kirby has a plate in his head from 'Nam; no Pfennigs for "die toilette" door-lock? Just use the urinal - Jobs of Bob - book version

2 May 2012

Fifth Job of Bob - Army - Kirby has a plate in his head from 'Nam; no Pfennigs for "die toilette" door-lock? Just use the urinal - Jobs of Bob - book version

This entry was posted on 5/2/2012 1:30 AM and is filed under Jobs of Bob - book version.

    Ever go to a sporting event and the bathroom stales are all occupied?  Somebody made a comment not long ago at work regarding said dilemma and it reminded me of Ol' Kirby and an experience I witnessed back in the Army.  Ol' Kirby had done a tour in 'Nam and had a metal plate in his head from a combat wound.  I don't know what his personality was prior to the addition of the plate, but when I knew him, he was subject to fits of random excited anxiety. And another memorable trait, he looked just like Sammy Davis Jr. - same size, same crooked eye, same hair, same speech.  

    One day we were in convoy up the Autobahn highway in Germany.  At their rest areas you had to put some German coins in the toilet stall to get in the damn door - about five cents, or Pfennigs, in German.  Poor Kirby did not have any change.  The couple of us in the bathroom at the time did not either.  

    Poor Ol' Kirby said, "Hey, Keith baby. Give me some goddamned fucking Pfennings...I got the shits man!"

    Me and the other guy just shrugged.  We just did not have any damn change that day. 

    "Oh hell," Kirby said with a sick look.  "I got to shit bad, Keith baby!"  

    The next thing we knew, Ol' Kirby was dropping trou' and heading for the wall-mounted urinal.  Me and the other guy booked on out of there.  Ol' Comrade German cleaning dude had a little surprise waiting for him later that morning compliments of Kirby.  "Comrade" was a name we gave the collective German population. 

    I will say this, that the first time I ever saw a sink or urinal flusher that was activated by a movement scanner, was in Germany.  It was way back in 1975.  Hell, some of the guys I served with from some podunk towns in America did not even have running water as kids.  

    But then again, during the height of the Cold War we Americans numbered around half a million military personnel in Europe.  I guess since us podunk suckers were carrying old Comrade's water for him, and we took care of the defense of his nation against the "commie hoards," he could focus on developing motion scanners in his fucking shitters. 

    I remember the first time I used a sink with no handles in Germany.  The Army vernacular was that, "I was lost as a motherfucker."  I looked all over the sink for those non-existent handles. Some of the more tech-savvy guys got a big kick out of my naivety with that good German technology.  

    On that fateful morning at the Autobahn rest stop, Ol' Kirby kind of evened the score for us lesser mortals.  

Note: This blog "Jobs of Bob" - book version Category is a work in progress. The original vignettes are being edited for book form. Go to the Cooldadiomedia Web site and the Jobs of Bob Page for an ordered chronology of the book vignettes (chapters).